Spiritual Black Hole

“Many of us resemble the drug addict in our ineffectual efforts to fill in the spiritual black hole, the void at the center, where we have lost touch with our souls, our spirit—with those sources of meaning and value that are not contingent or fleeting. Our consumerist, acquisition-, action-, and image-mad culture only serves to deepen the hole, leaving us emptier than before” - Gabor Maté

A Journey from Empty to Full

Over the last 6 years of being in recovery from substance addiction and various behavioural addictions, I have had time to reflect on how I got here. For many, many years I was trying to fill the emptiness I always felt with outside possessions and material items. I tried work, electronics, houses, relationships, vehicles, holidays, booze, and finally drugs. Everything seemed to work momentarily, but that hollow, empty feeling inevitably returned.

It wasn’t until I got into recovery that I was introduced to spirituality. Now I’m not talking religion, but with the help of others, we started to explore spirituality. I was soon able to connect past events with something more than just luck. There was no way I was simply just “lucky” to have avoided death so many times, especially after attempting to die by suicide more than once. It was at that point I was able to conclude there was a power greater than myself at work in my life. This is where things got tricky for me though! What was this power? How do I put my faith into something I can’t see or touch?

Initially I was comfortable believing it was the universe guiding me. That was my higher power and it stayed like that for 4 years. I would turn my will over to this higher power and follow the signs and directions that were being presented to me. By asking for guidance and then focusing on the present moments, eventually I would recognize a sign or a feeling and explore it further. I was staying open-minded and willing to trying new ways of thinking and living because my old way of thinking and reacting got me into some very hellacious situations.

Around November of 2019, I attended Hillcrest Church with my partner for the first time. It was during that service that the pastor mentioned a few things that resonated with me. Now I’m not saying that I’ve read the entire bible or can quote any scripture, but I can say that the power of that morning has stuck with me ever since. I continued attending the next couple weeks with an open mind and received messages that I was sure were intended specifically for me! It was after the third weekend I started to understand that HE has been with me my entire life, I just wasn’t ready to see (or believe) that.

Today, I know that I’m never alone again and I never have to experience that emptiness. I have fellowship, I have close friends which I care deeply for, and I have Him. I am never going to be someone who pushes God on anyone, but thought I would share what has FINALLY filled that void in MY life. Following His will for me and helping others has changed my life forever!