I am a Survivor

“Growing up and only child in a home with an alcoholic mother and alcoholic father was at times very lonely, very scary and a whole lot chaotic. I remember very well how sad and scared I was. sitting in my room, in the dark... late at nite on school nites.. wishing they would turn down the music, or ask their friends to leave .. quit letting people in. It was party mode in my home every night of the week. Blaring music and a lot of booze. At the age of eight is when the first time my parents had asked me to join in .. in a way. Asked me to smoke a cigarette with them ,sitting on the couch. I lit the smoke and immediately started to cough. That was when I was first taught to inhale. Then came my very own glass of wine. And that was the beginning of a whole new world. From then on it was just the norm for me to smoke with them, drink with them and be part of the parties. As I got older, my friends would come over and be given alcohol and smokes .. my house was the party house. It was fun. Everyone was jealous of my life. I had no rules. None. By the time I was 14 I had used probably every drug you can think of. And I was hooked. I loved them all. One thing I always knew was that a drank and used differently then my friends. I would black out, make terrible choices , get arrested, got into many fights. Every single time I picked up that first drink... hell broke loose. I was just like them. I was just like my parents. Never had I seen them sober past 4 pm. Never. My mother would perform sexual acts with men openly in the home .. while my father was passed out from a booze coma. Men would be everywhere in my house. I spent most of my time with friends. Friends were my family. I couldn’t get over how calm and at peace their homes were. But I was the girl, that no ones parents really liked their child to be with. I tried to spend most of my time away from my house. Away from my parents. The chaos was incredibly traumatic. One night at the age of 16 ,and another night of more heavy drinking my father and mother got into a pretty awful fight. My dad had found out my mom was sleeping with a 22 year old. He was wasted.. angry and already mentally sick. He grabbed a shot gun and in a split second pulled the trigger. And took his life. My life was never the same after that day. I left home. Fast forward more traumatic years of hard dark addiction. Got pregnant at 17 and ended up In a very abusive marriage. I was isolated, physically, sexually and emotionally abused. I was now living in a whole new nightmare. And. I was alone. I was caring for two small children. I drank and drank every day. To numb the pain. At that point I felt entitled to drink or use. I earned it. My life had been shit from birth. And that’s all I thought I deserved. I had multiple suicide attempts. Some very serious ones. Some Overdoses, psych wards and rehabs. I just felt defeated. Drinking and drugging was my solution. My mother to this day, 37 years later is deeper and deeper into her disease of alcoholism and I’m everyday, every minute .. fighting to battle this demon that destroys and takes everything from you. There was no platform back then as a scared 14 year old girl. Or even 25 year old girl. Back then, I had no idea where to start, to even ask for help. I prayed everyday social services would come for me. Now there is. Don’t feel alone. Not for one minute. Because someone, somewhere out there understands your pain. Today. I don’t want to Kill myself. Today I don’t want to drink. I am able to find peace and safety. I choose to be sober today so my family doesn’t have to suffer that pain. I love them more then anything in this world. And sobriety allows me to keep them. My daughters and sons will never have to couch surf, or cry themselves to sleep, or be afraid to be at home. Share your story. You can save a life. Reach out. You can save your life."